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Thursday, August 03, 2006

What not to say.....

I came across a blog about Infertility (I was doing a search, to find others like me) and this one came up. She was commenting on what a poster that wrote something to her that well a person going thru infertility does not want to hear, especially if you have not had the struggles we had....

so here are some of what NOT to say to a woman that is traveling the infertility road..

Never say these phrases:

"You can always have another."
They don't want another baby, they want this baby.

"Now you have an angel looking after you."
They don't want an angel, they want their baby back.

"At least you didn't know your baby."
Whether you held your baby in your arms or only in your mind, this baby is real.

"Did you do something you weren't supposed to do?
Did I cause this? How could I have hurt my baby?

"I understand how you feel."
Even if you have had a miscarriage, every one feels their grief uniquely.

"Have you ever thought of not having children?"
Yes, I probably have I realize that I may never be a mother.

"Be grateful for the children you have..."
It isn't a question of being ungrateful or not appreciating what I have.

It’s probably for the best
The best for whom? Me? The now dead baby? You? The greater good of the nation? This does not make the person feel better.

It was God’s will
You know my feelings on this. God as a baby killer? I don’t think so. You as interpreter of God’s will? Even less.

There was probably something wrong with it
“It”?? So if you have a child and he has something wrong with him you are going to send him back and ask for another one?

It was not meant to be
Crap. Why was it not meant to be? Who decides? Why would I conceive at all if it was ‘not meant to be’?

Luckily it was early
You mean before it was a real baby and I got attached? Nope, this does not make any difference. It still hurts, like mad. Some of us love our babies from the minute we found out we are pg.

You can always have another
Oh, so children are now interchangeable? I am sure having another one will make me simply forget about that little inconvenience of a loss. This kid, that kid, much of a muchness really.

At least you know you can get pregnant
Yes, what a relief, because we all know the goal is pregnancy and not an actual real live baby.

Ah buddy, sorry, but at least you have another one.
Yes, thank God for that, This baby was really a spare baby any way because really I want the next one more....

Maybe your not meant to be a mom
Say what!! Not meant to be a MOM, what gives you the right and what makes you so special?

my personal favorite that was said to me from someone I work with:

You owe a debt to God that is why you keep loosing your pregnancies
I for one do not beleive God works that way, why would he do such a thing let me become pg then rip this baby away from me, what have I done to him.... I don't swear, don't drink nor smoke anything, I am good to my neighbour, I respect others....Owe a debt to god, no I do not think so.

What not to say to someone suffering from secondary infertility:

Be grateful you have at least one child
Yes the person is grateful to have their child, of course they are. Does this mean they are not allowed to want more? If you suffer from infertility are you suddenly only entitled to one child? Why shouldn’t they be allowed to want another? Luckily there aren’t limits to the amount of children available, so them having another wont take away one of yours. Why should they be satisfied with only one child if they want two?

What not to say to a person who is facing any one of these (and other) situations: threatened miscarriage, bleeding in pg, a low beta, a non doubling beta, messed up hormonal levels etc.

My cousin’s aunt’s best friend’s neighbor had the same situation and she was fine
Yes, perhaps she was, but those situations are the exception, not the norm. Again, don’t be dismissive of the person’s legitimate fear.

What not to say to a person who is suffering from depression:

Just snap out of it
Depression is a disease, you don’t just ‘snap’ out of diseases. Do you think the person LIKES being depressed? No, it’s horrible.

But you have so much to be grateful for
Yes, and the depressed person knows this, but unfortunately when you are suffering from depression, all the things that you have to be grateful for do not cure the depression. Depression is not about being ungrateful, it is a medical condition.

What not to say to a person who has a very sick child in the NICU

What will be, will be
That is supposed to make me feel better?

What not to say to a pregnant person:

God you look awful, aren’t pregnant people supposed to glow?
(men = zero sensitivity). If I look awful, granted, but you are not supposed to actually say it!!!

What not to say to a pregnant person after infertility who dares to bring up any slight (or even more serious) negative aspect of pregnancy:

You asked for this / you wanted this
Yes I wanted a baby, I did not want to have pain / hemorrhoids / high-risk pregnancy / gestational diabetes / bed rest etc etc.

Just be grateful you are pregnant at all
See above. Also remember that we are grateful for the opportunity to have a baby (hopefully). No one in their right mind would be grateful for any of the above. Got that? Am grateful to get baby, am not grateful for the not so nice stuff. Accepting yes, but also allowed to have a moan about it.

(I am sure there are plenty more, feel free to add)

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